The Skinny on Swimming Nude

Photo by Zach Klein. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

Photo by Justin Henry. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

Much to the chagrin of some beachfront property owners, a Danish High Court last week confirmed a decision by lower courts making skinny dipping a legal right in that nation. This further adds to the perception of Denmark being a European leader in freedom from rigid social legislation, along with the country's liberal laws on same-sex marriage, gay rights in general, socialized medicine and other progressive developments.

The biggest problem with this ruling, though, is Denmark's climate. I mean, sure, for a country as far north as it is, Denmark is pretty temperate. But really! Even in the warm months of May through July, the average temperature doesn't reach 70 degrees Fahrenheit, and in February, it's a shrinkage-inducing 36 degrees.

So, friendly courts aside, if you really must skinny dip, there must be better places to do it. And so, my friends, the Primary Sources column is here to help.

Traveler's Digest is said to be "the world's largest travel and adventure website", and if nothing else, it publishes exhaustive lists: 10 Trendiest Cities in the World; Cheap Destinations Worth Visiting; Least Welcoming Destinations. So, when they come out with a list of Top Ten Nude Beaches, it's worth at least having a look. Here's what the site has to say about the top beach in Ibiza, Spain, which beat out Swanbourne Beach in Australia and Mazo Beach in Wisconsin (Wisconsin?) for numero uno:

Playa d'Es Cavallet, characterized by a broad beach and rolling sand dunes, is one of the "official" (and biggest) nudist spots on the island. While the northern part of the beach may be best suited for families and prudes, the middle section is often occupied by couples who "disappear" into the sand dunes (wink, wink), and the southern end is mainly gay. But no matter where you choose to park it, you'll find that the atmosphere is always lively thanks to the little bars and pubs that dot the beach. And the fine white sand makes it perfect for a leisurely stroll or an exciting game of beach volleyball. All right!

Wink wink? I think I got borderline creeped out for a minute there.

But nevermind. Besides, a clothing-optional beach with "little bars and pubs" handy, can't be all bad.

Still, thinking a second opinion might be in order, we decided to surf over to the Ask Men website for their thoughts. Amazingly, there was zero correlation between the Ask Men Top Ten List and the Traveler's Digest list. A freak statistical anomaly, to be sure, and one the Primary Sources stats department remains unable to explain, but at the same time, it means we now have a Top Twenty List.

Not such a bad thing.

But to get back to skinny dipping, we recently found there is potentially a 'bad thing' associated with it. Namely, the consequences when you get caught doing it where you are not supposed to. And of all the places you are probably not supposed to skinny dip, one of the most obvious would seem to be in the Japanese Emperor's palace moat.

Nevertheless, that's exactly what one middle-aged Westerner inexplicably did last month.

Police nabbed a Western man who went skinny dipping in a moat ringing the Imperial Palace in a busy Tokyo business district, attracting a huge crowd, officials said Tuesday. The naked middle-aged man jumped into the moat, then threw rocks and splashed water at two policemen who chased him in a rowing boat

Japanese police would not cite his name in the news reports, saying that their policy was to preserve his anonymity

Why? Surely he's not the shy type?

Other consequences of unwise skinny dipping can be even more dire, as a drunk Irish chef found out a couple of weeks ago.

An Irish chef was just under five times the legal drink-drive limit when he drowned at sea during a stag party in a seaside resort on England's south coast, an inquest has heard. Ruairi Kelly, 28, decided to go skinny-dipping next to the Palace Pier in Brighton, East Sussex, on August 9 after drinking heavily. The inquest at Brighton County Court heard that a number of people, including members of the 14-strong stag party, waded into the rough sea in a bid to reach Dublin-born Mr Kelly, but were beaten back by strong waves.

The inquest found Mr Kelly had a blood alcohol level of 390mg per 100ml. So, in this case, it's possible that the his skinny dip was merely incidental. With that much booze in his system, it's likely he'd have found a way to drown in an English fog, never mind a rough English Channel.

Frankly, though, we at Primary Sources had no idea skinny dipping was so hazardous. So, we decided -- as a public service -- that it might be wise to provide our readers with some basic rules on How to Skinny Dip. Sadly, while researching this part of the article, we failed to find any guidance regarding nudity and alcohol consumption in the English Channel or etiquette about nudity in the vicinity of Imperial Palaces.

So much research remains to be done!

Another piece of advice omitted in the Wikihow entry we provided is one that Canadian viewers of The Rick Mercer Report are intimately familiar (perhaps too intimate).

That advice is: don't go skinny dipping with a Liberal leadership candidate.

(Be sure you watch this very funny clip all the way to the end. The giggle is worth it.)

Fortunately, even in Canada -- the uptight, stodgy ol' Great White North -- even here, there are places where skinny dipping is accepted as a fundamental birthright. Canada's most famous clothing optional venue, and a wonderful place for free enterprise of the countercultural kind, the famous Wreck Beach in Vancouver has for thirty years been synonymous with freedom, liberal attitudes and a generally natural good time. In fact, so institutionalized has nudity become there that not only is skinny dipping accepted, but there's even an annual nude marathon!

The inevitable creeps and perverts aside, skinny dipping is mostly associated with innocence and nature. The kind of freedom and unselfconsciousness we could all do with more of in our complicated 21st century society. So ingrained in our psyche has the concept of skinny dipping become, in fact, that it has become the subject of books, the inspiration for beer brands and even subject matter for a prime time cartoon.

Sadly, for some of us who may be approaching middle age, or at least can see the approach of middle age....somewhere out there on the horizon...a long, long way away, admittedly.....well, anyway, skinny dipping -- however much it may be a cultural institution -- may no longer be appropriate.

No, the term we are being reluctantly socialized to use is, in fact, 'chunky dunking'.

More accurate? Perhaps.

But still hurtful.

It's also why we Primary Sourcers have researched and are currently experimenting with a new chip dip recipe: the Skinny Dip.

*splash*

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